Should I Forgive This Person?
Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts in our emotional lives. We are often told we should forgive, as if it were a simple switch to flip. But true forgiveness is a complex, personal process. It is not about condoning what happened or letting the other person "off the hook." It is about freeing yourself. This guide will help you navigate the decision to forgive, distinguishing it from reconciliation and providing a framework for your own healing.
Capture this play inside the Decision Log and make it your own.
Step 1: Understand What Forgiveness Is (and Is Not)
Before you can decide, you must understand the terms. The most critical distinction is between forgiveness and reconciliation.
Forgiveness is an internal process. It is the act of letting go of your own anger and resentment. It is a gift you give to yourself to stop carrying the weight of the past. You can forgive someone completely without ever speaking to them again.
Reconciliation is an interpersonal process. It is the act of rebuilding a relationship and restoring trust. Reconciliation requires the participation and genuine change of both parties. It is not always possible or advisable.
You can forgive without reconciling. You can let go of your anger while still holding the boundary that the person is not safe to have in your life.
Step 2: The "Accountability" Litmus Test
While forgiveness is for you, the path to it is made much clearer by the other person's actions. Have they taken genuine accountability for the harm they caused?
Genuine Accountability Looks Like: They can name what they did wrong without making excuses. They show remorse for the impact of their actions on you. They have taken concrete steps to change their behavior (e.g., therapy, sobriety, new communication skills).
A Lack of Accountability Looks Like: They offer a non-apology ("I'm sorry you feel that way"). They blame you for their behavior ("I wouldn't have done it if you hadn't..."). They make promises to change but their actions remain the same.
If they have not taken accountability, forgiveness is still possible, but reconciliation is likely unwise. Forgiving someone who is not sorry is an act of radical self-preservation, not an invitation for them to hurt you again.
Step 3: The Cost of Not Forgiving
Holding onto anger, resentment, and a desire for revenge is like "drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." It harms you far more than it harms them. Consider the cost of your unforgiveness.
Is it consuming your mental and emotional energy? Do you find yourself replaying the event over and over in your head?
Is it impacting your other relationships? Are you carrying bitterness or mistrust into your interactions with others?
Is it preventing you from moving forward? Is the anger keeping you tethered to a past you cannot change?
Sometimes, the decision to forgive is simply a pragmatic choice to stop letting someone else's past actions control your present happiness.
Step 4: The Path to Forgiveness
Forgiveness is not a single event; it is a process. It often involves moving through several stages.
Acknowledge the Pain: You cannot forgive a hurt you have not fully felt. Allow yourself to be angry, sad, and to grieve the harm that was done.
Make a Conscious Decision: Forgiveness often begins with a conscious choice. "I am choosing to let go of this anger for my own well-being."
Reframe the Story: Try to see the situation from a different perspective. This does not mean excusing their behavior, but perhaps understanding the brokenness or ignorance that led to it. This can help depersonalize the hurt.
Set Boundaries: As you forgive, you must also protect yourself. What boundaries do you need to put in place to ensure this person cannot harm you again?
Step 5: When Is Forgiveness Not Required?
You are never obligated to forgive anyone. Forgiveness is a choice, not a duty. It may not be the right choice if:
The situation is ongoing. You cannot heal from a wound that is still being inflicted.
You do not feel safe. Forgiveness requires a sense of safety. If the person is still a threat to your physical or emotional well-being, your priority must be self-protection, not forgiveness.
You are being pressured. If others are telling you to "just get over it," their advice is about their own comfort, not your healing. True forgiveness can only come from within, on your own timeline.